I hate doubt. I hate doubting myself. But, I do. Lately, I've been overcome with doubt about myself. I feel so intimidated by everything and everyone I'm surrounded by. I feel like I'm not good enough and I wonder if I ever will be. I feel like I'm letting people down. I feel like I'm dissappointing because I'm just not good enough. I look around and it feels like everyone else is "good enough". Everyone else seems to be treking life just fine. Everyone else seems to be right on the ball. But, me? I feel like I've missed it terribly. I feel helpless and absolutely entirely completely fully wholly ETC. confused about what I'm supposed to do next fall. There is no particular college that I want to go to...I literally have no idea where to go. Not a clue. It always seemed so simple for everyone else. Everyone always seemed like they knew exactly where they wanted to go. Me? I didn't. I seek and I pray...I pray and I pray and I pray.

Proverbs 3:5-6

I KNOW...I know. Easier said than done, eh? I know God will put me where he wants me to be. It's just so hard, you know? Because I'm lame and I'm human and I'm a crappy person and I worry and I fret and I freak and spazz out because I can't see beyond my emotions in the here and now. (I SAID IT hahah...sorry...had to) I just wish God would just come to my door and be like

"Hey Shara, how goes it?"

"Good, God...actually, big fat LIE...horrible...I'm confused and I don't like it."

"Well, be confused no more because I have a step-by-step plan for your life so, this is what you do next in order for everything to work out perfectly..."

ha

right.

Well, I'm not sure how much fun life would be if it was like that. Possibly with less wrinkles, but, that's what botox is for.

AH I feel like a mess. An absolute hotttt mess. I say I'm trusting God. I tell him I'm trusting Him. I'm telling him I've giving it all to him...I'm placing it in his hands. But, am I? I don't feel like I'm lying when I say all that...but, I do in a way because I feel like no matter how much I try to truly trust him, I don't because I still freak out anyway!

Am I just problematic? I guess it's just the whole issue of the desire to have control. No matter how hard I try I can only see now, but, God sees the whole picture and I know that...grrrrr...but, that makes me so mad sometimes!!

argh I am venting to an extreme and I apologize. My life just makes much more sense to me when I write it out.

I've always been so sure about what I wanted to do with my life...well, recently...ignoring the famous ice skater and 3rd grade teacher dreams I once had... And I'm still determined to do all of it...my passions.

Lately, I've just had to ignore the thoughts that I can't make it.

You're not good enough.

Everyone else is much better than you.

Give up.

What's the point?

They'll never want you.

!#(*$)(@*%@%&*@&$)!(*#*#%&)(!@*#!)(#*

~Cookie