Good Enough

I struggle with that.

I struggle a lot with that.

Good enough.

What does that even mean?

Good enough.

I've lacked the belief for a long long time that I was/am good enough. I say I believe it sometimes.

But, I don't.

I mean, I guess to a certain degree...perhaps.

But, I always have this overbearing sense of incompetence; this complex about myself that has perpetuated this strong belief in my innate inadequacy. It seems so lame and ridiculous.But, sometimes it overwhelms me.

I'm never _______ enough.

I'll never be pretty enough for my vain disposition. I've realized my vanity. I'm not vain in the sense that I think I'm really beautiful. It's the exact opposite. I've struggled for years with this self-esteem issue that has completely convinced myself that I'm not beautiful...at all. I believe this makes me vain. This makes me vain because I'm almost obsessed with BECOMING beautiful...this idea of beauty. I purchase all the makeup and all the creams and the butters and work out rigorously as if in hopes of BECOMING this idea of beautiful that I have in my head. It's sick. And I'm trying to overcome this.

I'll never be talented enough. Others have always believed so strongly in my talent, and I'm truly blessed to have these people in my life. But, my opinion of myself? Eh. I feel as though I try so hard, but, I always feel intimidated and largely inadequate in comparison to others. One of the many reasons I auditioned for the college in Chicago was, I suppose in a way, to almost prove to myself that I could do it...that maybe I was "good enough" for a "performing arts/conservatory/" college. I know there could be tons of factors deciding whether I get in or not, and it could really have nothing to do with my talent whatsoever...but, I wonder how I'll feel if I receive a rejection letter. But, i mean, rejection is like 99% of this business, and it won't stop me. I do believe that my passion and faith and love for theatre is stronger than my thoughts on inadequacy. Nevertheless, they remain.

I'll never be good enough for that...guy. That guy that my heart wants. It doesn't matter what I do, he'll always look past me to the girl standing behind me. A romantic-less life can fill your mind with lies about yourself...lies in which I've chosen to believe. Lies telling me that guys will never see me as anything but a friend. My sister once stared intently into my eyes and said without falter..."Shara, who would ever want you?" ...to this day, a large part of me still believes that.

A good enough daughter.

A good enough friend.

A good enough Christ-follower.

Good enough.What is "enough"?

I feel as though I know all the answers to the questions I'm writing out here.

But, you know why I write these things...my feelings and my life make so much more sense to me when I write them out...especially when I have no one to talk to about them. It's better than keeping them locked up inside.

How I long to feel good enough. just once. just maybe. two minutes? :)

One day.

~Cookie